This ISD's a Fairground
Jul. 30th, 2003 11:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omorkaThe Spouse got the reissue of Joe Jackson's Night and Day. It has the five original songs from the old Mike's Murder soundtrack on it. It's nice to hear them without all the pops and clicks of the much-loved and slightly-abused vinyl copy - especially since we don't currently have a turntable at all.
Unfortunately, "Moonlight" makes me cry. It seems to gather up all the pain and angst and frustration and unfulfilledness I'm feeling and knot them all up in a tight, hot ball in my upper abdomen.
Yesterday's in-service did not go so well. In my case, it was mostly stuff I'd done already - I appreciated and can use the new material, but there was only about 2 hours' worth of it in a 7-hour workshop. However, about half the people there were clearly there because they needed the hours, not because they actually wanted to be there. The presenter, Ms. K, who is the head of Special Populations for our district, clearly got very frustrated around 2 o'clock.
Today's went a little better - same presenter. It was on assessment practices for the G/T kids. It ended up being about 2/3 assessment best practices in general, and 1/3 applying that to mixed G/T and regular ed classrooms. I'd done most of the best practices stuff before, again, but we covered it at a slightly different angle than the previous sessions, and I could use the refresher anyway. I would have liked more integration of the G/T stuff with the rest of the assessment stuff.
Lots of folks at the Black Swan tonight - KG, MG, and little SG; DB, MB, and little RB; AJ and AH, along with three friends of theirs I don't know; TS and AS; the Raven; another friend of AJ whom I don't know; and finally PB. As a matter of fact, there were too many people for me to really talk to anyone about anything in particular. PB was wearing very ripped cut-offs - he'd been hanging paintings all day, and then playing with SG and RB once he got to the Swan. I bitched a bit at him about my being about to explode; he was sympathetic, but not very helpful.
I'm not having a major depressive episode yet. (This is a good thing.) I'm definitely having self-destructive impulses right now, though. Sufficiently intense physical pain usually takes the sting out of the cramped and writhing libido, but biting my hands until they bruise isn't helping; neither is picking open old wounds. I'm not about to start setting a bad example to the ADHD Kid by slicing myself, tempting as it is. Not sure what to do. Not sure if there's anything I can do . . .
Unfortunately, "Moonlight" makes me cry. It seems to gather up all the pain and angst and frustration and unfulfilledness I'm feeling and knot them all up in a tight, hot ball in my upper abdomen.
Yesterday's in-service did not go so well. In my case, it was mostly stuff I'd done already - I appreciated and can use the new material, but there was only about 2 hours' worth of it in a 7-hour workshop. However, about half the people there were clearly there because they needed the hours, not because they actually wanted to be there. The presenter, Ms. K, who is the head of Special Populations for our district, clearly got very frustrated around 2 o'clock.
Today's went a little better - same presenter. It was on assessment practices for the G/T kids. It ended up being about 2/3 assessment best practices in general, and 1/3 applying that to mixed G/T and regular ed classrooms. I'd done most of the best practices stuff before, again, but we covered it at a slightly different angle than the previous sessions, and I could use the refresher anyway. I would have liked more integration of the G/T stuff with the rest of the assessment stuff.
Lots of folks at the Black Swan tonight - KG, MG, and little SG; DB, MB, and little RB; AJ and AH, along with three friends of theirs I don't know; TS and AS; the Raven; another friend of AJ whom I don't know; and finally PB. As a matter of fact, there were too many people for me to really talk to anyone about anything in particular. PB was wearing very ripped cut-offs - he'd been hanging paintings all day, and then playing with SG and RB once he got to the Swan. I bitched a bit at him about my being about to explode; he was sympathetic, but not very helpful.
I'm not having a major depressive episode yet. (This is a good thing.) I'm definitely having self-destructive impulses right now, though. Sufficiently intense physical pain usually takes the sting out of the cramped and writhing libido, but biting my hands until they bruise isn't helping; neither is picking open old wounds. I'm not about to start setting a bad example to the ADHD Kid by slicing myself, tempting as it is. Not sure what to do. Not sure if there's anything I can do . . .
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no subject
Date: 2003-07-30 09:36 pm (UTC)I miss the Wednesday night do. Wednesday is a bad day for me at work, almost every week. Maybe one day I'll get back there.
Do try to hang on, babe. I'm reading what you write and feeling your pain, but I really don't have anything constructive to add, just cusses you've probably already heard/said yourself. But I am in your corner.
(I have some incense that might help - hmmmmm - I'll get it to you somehow.)
no cutting
Date: 2003-07-30 10:46 pm (UTC)Ducking now.
Seriously, we must come up with something to help you. Maybe getting Noah and Susan together for anime manga gabfest while you do something else?
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2003-07-31 08:27 am (UTC)There are ways of causing pain that don't leave lasting injuries. Surgical tubing, for example, will cause a welt but no broken skin or scarring. A search for BDSM information should come up with lots of other ideas.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-01 11:57 am (UTC)I really, really, really don't know what to do at this point, and I realize that there isn't any advice anyone else can give me that is likely to help.
Re: no cutting
Date: 2003-08-01 12:13 pm (UTC)Given that I'm *so* not a bottom, finding me a good dom might in fact be one of the few things that could put a damper on my libido for a few hours. It'd be a short-term solution at best, though. (Plus, if they're really good and I discover that I'm a switch deep down - unlikely, but still possible - it'd be a violation of the rules the Spouse has me under right now.)
And unless you're jokingly suggesting that I sneak off and break the rules while Waywren distracts the Spouse, then the second suggestion isn't going to help, either. There is no way, under the rules the Spouse currently has in effect, for me to get laid (using the broadest possible definition of "laid") without at least a two week lead time, unless he has a sudden attack of libido - which, given that my being upset and frustrated stresses him, is highly unlikely. The problem isn't having time to myself - I have plenty of that, at least until I report for work next Friday. It's getting his permission to do something - anything . . .
no subject
Date: 2003-08-01 12:16 pm (UTC)It also strikes me as slightly disrespectfrul to the BDSM folks to use something that's an expression of sexuality for them and try and use it to repress mine. But that's probably my hang-ups speaking, there.
Re: no cutting
Date: 2003-08-01 01:09 pm (UTC)oh, and
Re: no cutting
Date: 2003-08-01 01:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-01 07:18 pm (UTC)