Interview #3
Jun. 8th, 2003 07:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omorkaFrom ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fyredrago
Note: possible TMI . . .
1. How long have y'all been married?
Our wedding was on May 10, 1997. Our handfasting was on May 17, 1997. So it's been six years plus about a month - how much that "about a month" is depends on which one you consider the real marriage ceremony.
We dated for a little over three years before we got married, in addition.
2. Why marry a monogamous person when you're poly?
Because I love him. He's my lifemate. Our interests, lifestyles, tastes, and intellects are close enough to be harmonious and different enough to add spice and interest to our life together.
He knew I was poly when we started our relationship - I had fallen in love with him while I was engaged to someone else (that someone else turned out to be an abusive jerk, but we won't worry about that right now). When we had our legal wedding, we made very sure that none of our vows included "forsaking all others" or anything that carried that connotation. Our handfasting vows were even more explicitly open. There isn't any problem with my being poly per se; the issue right now is the particular person I've fallen in love with, the circumstances under which it happened, and that this is the first time this has happened with someone the Spouse knows, but doesn't know like a brother already.
3. I recall you saying you had a large sex drive while the spouse doesn't... how do you deal
with that?
With great difficulty! *rueful grin* For the first couple of years of our relationship, I sort of chalked it up to being shy. For the next few, I would pester him for sex constantly, which resulted in a lot of resentment on his part. I've learned that it's better if I don't ask, if I don't even let him know that I'm in the mood - anything from me feels like pressure to him, and the one thing that makes him least likely to want sex is stress. So now I mostly wait for those rare times when he's in the mood, and, eh, "relieve the pressure" by hand or by toy frequently enough that I don't explode. I have a very vivid fantasy life, and a fairly large selection of products from Good Vibrations. (That used to help, actually - the Spouse likes gadgets, so every time I'd buy one, he'd have sex with me once to try it out. That hasn't worked in a little over a year, though.)
When he becomes more comfortable with my poly partner(s), and if I can keep them from being scared off in the meantime, I think this will become much less of an issue. The times when I do get to share sex with him will be special and precious, without the months in between being painful and frustrating.
4. Why teaching instead of some other career?
Because the educational system in this country is fucked beyond belief, and someone has to do something about it. Having noticed this and complained about it, I realized I'd volunteered.
I was bullied, pushed around, underchallenged, and underserved by the educational system; I'm in it now to try and make sure that there are at least a few kids that that doesn't happen to, for at least a few years. There's no harder job, and no profession that more desperately needs the best and the brightest to come back and attend to it. Currently, education is largely left to people - mostly women, although not all - who choose an education major because it guarantees them a job on graduation and doesn't require a lot of math or science. Those are precisely the wrong motivations for taking the job. Those of us who are there for other reasons - for love of the kids, for love of the subject, for love of learning - need all the help we can get.
Besides, it's in the blood. Both my parents are college professors, and my maternal grandfather was a professor before that. I've betrayed my birth family in so many ways, I had to honor them in this one.
5. Lastly, did you decide to go back to UH yet?
I've made the decision, but I haven't gone down there to start filling out paperwork yet. I need to do that as soon as the summer classes start - I don't know which offices will be open before then. (Actually, Summer I probably has started, or starts on Monday. I should call Dr. G and find out.)
If you want me to interview you--post a comment that simply says, "Interview me." I'll respond with questions for you to take back to your own journal and answer as a post. Of course, they'll be different for each person since this is an interview and not a general survey. At the bottom of your post, after answering the Interviewer's questions, you ask if anyone wants to be interviewed. So it becomes your turn-- in the comments, you ask them any questions you have for them to take back to their journals and answer. And so it becomes the circle.
Who will play? May I interview you? Would you like to interview me?
fyredragoNote: possible TMI . . .
1. How long have y'all been married?
Our wedding was on May 10, 1997. Our handfasting was on May 17, 1997. So it's been six years plus about a month - how much that "about a month" is depends on which one you consider the real marriage ceremony.
We dated for a little over three years before we got married, in addition.
2. Why marry a monogamous person when you're poly?
Because I love him. He's my lifemate. Our interests, lifestyles, tastes, and intellects are close enough to be harmonious and different enough to add spice and interest to our life together.
He knew I was poly when we started our relationship - I had fallen in love with him while I was engaged to someone else (that someone else turned out to be an abusive jerk, but we won't worry about that right now). When we had our legal wedding, we made very sure that none of our vows included "forsaking all others" or anything that carried that connotation. Our handfasting vows were even more explicitly open. There isn't any problem with my being poly per se; the issue right now is the particular person I've fallen in love with, the circumstances under which it happened, and that this is the first time this has happened with someone the Spouse knows, but doesn't know like a brother already.
3. I recall you saying you had a large sex drive while the spouse doesn't... how do you deal
with that?
With great difficulty! *rueful grin* For the first couple of years of our relationship, I sort of chalked it up to being shy. For the next few, I would pester him for sex constantly, which resulted in a lot of resentment on his part. I've learned that it's better if I don't ask, if I don't even let him know that I'm in the mood - anything from me feels like pressure to him, and the one thing that makes him least likely to want sex is stress. So now I mostly wait for those rare times when he's in the mood, and, eh, "relieve the pressure" by hand or by toy frequently enough that I don't explode. I have a very vivid fantasy life, and a fairly large selection of products from Good Vibrations. (That used to help, actually - the Spouse likes gadgets, so every time I'd buy one, he'd have sex with me once to try it out. That hasn't worked in a little over a year, though.)
When he becomes more comfortable with my poly partner(s), and if I can keep them from being scared off in the meantime, I think this will become much less of an issue. The times when I do get to share sex with him will be special and precious, without the months in between being painful and frustrating.
4. Why teaching instead of some other career?
Because the educational system in this country is fucked beyond belief, and someone has to do something about it. Having noticed this and complained about it, I realized I'd volunteered.
I was bullied, pushed around, underchallenged, and underserved by the educational system; I'm in it now to try and make sure that there are at least a few kids that that doesn't happen to, for at least a few years. There's no harder job, and no profession that more desperately needs the best and the brightest to come back and attend to it. Currently, education is largely left to people - mostly women, although not all - who choose an education major because it guarantees them a job on graduation and doesn't require a lot of math or science. Those are precisely the wrong motivations for taking the job. Those of us who are there for other reasons - for love of the kids, for love of the subject, for love of learning - need all the help we can get.
Besides, it's in the blood. Both my parents are college professors, and my maternal grandfather was a professor before that. I've betrayed my birth family in so many ways, I had to honor them in this one.
5. Lastly, did you decide to go back to UH yet?
I've made the decision, but I haven't gone down there to start filling out paperwork yet. I need to do that as soon as the summer classes start - I don't know which offices will be open before then. (Actually, Summer I probably has started, or starts on Monday. I should call Dr. G and find out.)
If you want me to interview you--post a comment that simply says, "Interview me." I'll respond with questions for you to take back to your own journal and answer as a post. Of course, they'll be different for each person since this is an interview and not a general survey. At the bottom of your post, after answering the Interviewer's questions, you ask if anyone wants to be interviewed. So it becomes your turn-- in the comments, you ask them any questions you have for them to take back to their journals and answer. And so it becomes the circle.
Who will play? May I interview you? Would you like to interview me?
