"This Is Hard"
Apr. 23rd, 2003 09:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omorkaStrange thing . . . wonder what's happening . . .
Beginning from about a week ago:
Got my new contract. The green one. Life ever-renewing, is the green - and so is the contract. They have to give me reason now if they decide to fire me, and I get to fight back.
He Who Has No Feet, The ADHD Kid, and one of my "ghetto girlz" who is far brighter than she chooses to let on were all in tutorials at the same time, and had an argument about what religion I was. HWHNF thinks I'm Jewish; ADHD has it right. I find this amusing; I would find it more amusing if HWHNF would stop asking me to settle the discussion.
Then the gathering . . .
What can I say? It would have been the second best Beltane event I'd ever been to if it weren't for the scar in the earth and the impending doom. The workshops were all at least good and usually kick-ass in the extreme. Carol Queen is just as cool in person as she is in print. MGZ-R is always a delight to listen to. DreamTrybe kicked out the jams in their own powerfully magickal way. I didn't get much ritual done, but that was okay. I am in love with the new tent. I think I met some new friends, and got touched a lot in very good ways.
Something good has happened . . .
I may have found a Sweetheart. I don't know yet - I haven't really talked with him since getting back from the gathering. I am NRE'ing pretty hard over what connections we have made, but I don't really know if he's interested in anything beyond a festival fling. (Meanwhile, the Spouse is being as supportive and kind as he can be while being paralyzed by his own self-referential neuroses - he's terrified that he will be jealous, so scared that he can't even tell whether he's actually feeling any jealousy. What will happen when he finally manages to pick of the scab of fear and doesn't find anything there? {Which I think is what will actually happen.) If I can only manage to work though his pseudo-abandonment issues, I think he'll be all right - but he's gonna hafta talk. Gods, I love him.) I'm terrified that my possibility doesn't want any more from me, I suspect he hasn't thought about what he wants, I'm hoping he's at least a little nervous about coming over for Movie Night.
Tragedy has struck . . .
Surely they can't all have been right for the wrong reasons all this time? What happened to us as an electorate that we all screwed up this badly? I've thrown my lot in with the rebel alliance, and we will win, of course - but at what cost? "These are hard!" "Yeah, but - this is great - these are hard!" We know now that we cannot take what we have had for granted, that constant vigilance is needed. Damn. I hate being paranoid. But the Trust has been broken. I'm gonna have to be prepared to serve this community better. I think now is the time - now that my contract is green instead of winter's white, I think I can afford to.
We are a Circle, Within a Circle . . . .
What we can do when we work together, sing together! So many people under that tent, with all their issues, all the fighting they've done - pulling together for the greater good. But how did something good become something we needed to fight against? How did that wound in the Land get there?
No Beginning, Never Ending . . .
We're home. We'll be leaving again, to fight for my family, and the Spouse's . . . what? His right to sit under a tree and read and listen to Blue Man Group? He's not just fighting for me. He believes in this, somehow, for himself. Even Satyr showed up. Maybe it's the Spouse's family too, after all.
Oh, and the school finally has a principal. She's moving up from KMS, but she's been an AP here before. We are no longer acephalous. We'll see what happens.
Tomorrow . . .
Beginning from about a week ago:
Got my new contract. The green one. Life ever-renewing, is the green - and so is the contract. They have to give me reason now if they decide to fire me, and I get to fight back.
He Who Has No Feet, The ADHD Kid, and one of my "ghetto girlz" who is far brighter than she chooses to let on were all in tutorials at the same time, and had an argument about what religion I was. HWHNF thinks I'm Jewish; ADHD has it right. I find this amusing; I would find it more amusing if HWHNF would stop asking me to settle the discussion.
Then the gathering . . .
What can I say? It would have been the second best Beltane event I'd ever been to if it weren't for the scar in the earth and the impending doom. The workshops were all at least good and usually kick-ass in the extreme. Carol Queen is just as cool in person as she is in print. MGZ-R is always a delight to listen to. DreamTrybe kicked out the jams in their own powerfully magickal way. I didn't get much ritual done, but that was okay. I am in love with the new tent. I think I met some new friends, and got touched a lot in very good ways.
Something good has happened . . .
I may have found a Sweetheart. I don't know yet - I haven't really talked with him since getting back from the gathering. I am NRE'ing pretty hard over what connections we have made, but I don't really know if he's interested in anything beyond a festival fling. (Meanwhile, the Spouse is being as supportive and kind as he can be while being paralyzed by his own self-referential neuroses - he's terrified that he will be jealous, so scared that he can't even tell whether he's actually feeling any jealousy. What will happen when he finally manages to pick of the scab of fear and doesn't find anything there? {Which I think is what will actually happen.) If I can only manage to work though his pseudo-abandonment issues, I think he'll be all right - but he's gonna hafta talk. Gods, I love him.) I'm terrified that my possibility doesn't want any more from me, I suspect he hasn't thought about what he wants, I'm hoping he's at least a little nervous about coming over for Movie Night.
Tragedy has struck . . .
Surely they can't all have been right for the wrong reasons all this time? What happened to us as an electorate that we all screwed up this badly? I've thrown my lot in with the rebel alliance, and we will win, of course - but at what cost? "These are hard!" "Yeah, but - this is great - these are hard!" We know now that we cannot take what we have had for granted, that constant vigilance is needed. Damn. I hate being paranoid. But the Trust has been broken. I'm gonna have to be prepared to serve this community better. I think now is the time - now that my contract is green instead of winter's white, I think I can afford to.
We are a Circle, Within a Circle . . . .
What we can do when we work together, sing together! So many people under that tent, with all their issues, all the fighting they've done - pulling together for the greater good. But how did something good become something we needed to fight against? How did that wound in the Land get there?
No Beginning, Never Ending . . .
We're home. We'll be leaving again, to fight for my family, and the Spouse's . . . what? His right to sit under a tree and read and listen to Blue Man Group? He's not just fighting for me. He believes in this, somehow, for himself. Even Satyr showed up. Maybe it's the Spouse's family too, after all.
Oh, and the school finally has a principal. She's moving up from KMS, but she's been an AP here before. We are no longer acephalous. We'll see what happens.
Tomorrow . . .
